Narcissistic abuse is a real problem that many people experience in a relationship. Whether the abuser is a sibling, parent, or love, it can be tricky to determine if you’re facing a narcissist. If you suspect that this could be the case in your relationship, it’s critical to know the stages of this problem.
In a narcissistic abuse cycle, these are the three stages you’ll face:
- Idealization
- Devaluation
- Rejection
You can track these to see if that’s what you’re dealing with in your relationship.
Read on to learn more about the symptoms and stages of a narcissistic abuse cycle. We’ll even talk about how to break this problem, so you can free yourself if you may need to. The more educated you are, the better equipped you will be to deal with anything that will come your way in a relationship, no matter what kind.
Table of Contents
What Are Symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse?
Before we can talk about the stages of the narcissistic abuse cycle, it’s critical to understand some of the symptoms of abuse. These are present in individuals who have become victims of narcissistic abuse. You can physically see some of these, but others lie hidden beneath the surface.
Four of the main symptoms of narcissistic abuse include:
- Intrusive thoughts
- Triggers
- Extreme alertness
- Avoiding
These surface after long exposure to narcissistic abuse. These are four of the most common symptoms, but there are many more that could surface as the result of narcissistic abuse.
We’re going to dive into each symptom so you can get a better idea of what to look for. With a better understanding of what presents itself in a person who has become a victim of narcissism, you can be better prepared.
Intrusive Thoughts
If you’ve been the victim of a narcissistic abuse cycle, intrusive thoughts are one of the most common symptoms you may experience. Whether you want them to or not, the intrusive thoughts may pop in your head at random moments. These can impact your mental health and drastically disrupt your day.
Some examples of intrusive thoughts may include:
- Fear before taking action: Intrusive thoughts could include terror before every step you take in your day-to-day life.
- Violent thoughts: These thoughts might include harm to others or yourself.
- Relationship thoughts: You might have a paranoia that, in your current relationship, no matter how good it is, your partner is the same as the past narcissist you dated.
It’s vital to know that these are not your fault. These symptoms are a result of trauma and should be dealt with as such.
Intrusive thoughts can have a severe impact on how you live your life. Whether they keep you from traveling or stop your next relationship, it’s difficult to deal with intrusive thoughts. This symptom is tricky to see, as it takes place entirely inside the victim’s head. Intrusive thoughts should be ignored and talked about when you can to avoid falling victim to them.
Triggers
When you’ve experienced a narcissistic abuse cycle, triggers may become a part of your everyday experience. Triggers are items that remind you of the person who abused you. They could cause you to feel emotional distress, which can even turn physical if it goes on for too long. Identifying triggers for yourself is critical.
Some examples of triggers include:
- Loud noises: Loud noises are triggering for many anyway, so trauma survivors may have a hard time with them.
- Certain dates: Dates like anniversaries or birthdays could cause trouble in your life.
- Phrases: Certain phrases can cause something to rise and bring an emotional response to life.
- Smells: A smell that you attribute with him or her could trigger a strong response.
All of these may give you an extreme response, whether in public or privately. Triggers are difficult to deal with on a daily basis.
Triggers can be scary. If someone experiences a trigger in public, you’ll be able to see it in their reaction. However, sometimes these are hidden emotionally, just like intrusive thoughts. Triggers can have a severe impact on the way a victim lives life.
Extreme Alertness
If something bad has happened, you will be alert. Watching out for yourself is not a bad thing, but it can be too much. It can cause you to avoid going places and keep you from doing what you enjoy, just like triggers.
Some examples of extreme alertness include:
- Jumping at small noises: You may find yourself jumping at noises, especially those that resemble the tone of your ex or current partner.
- Examining every area carefully: You may carefully look at every single place you go to before you can relax.
- Being cautious about going out: You may be afraid to go out, double and triple-checking everything before you go out.
- Losing focus: You might find it hard to focus on things you need to do and conversations with people you care about.
All of these can result from narcissistic abuse trauma.
Extreme alertness is visible when it happens. The victim may look around wherever they are, never quite relaxing into whatever they’re doing. If you experience this symptom, you might find it impossible to go out in public without fear of your surroundings.
Avoiding
Avoiding is another symptom of narcissistic abuse. You may want to avoid things that remind you of them or places you know they frequent. Anything that brings up that nasty feeling in the pit of your stomach may cause you to go out of your way to get away.
Avoiding may include:
- Ignoring TV shows: You might stop watching TV shows that you used to watch together.
- Eating at different places: You might change up where you eat, staying away from old date spots.
- Taking a varied route: You may take a different route to avoid passing things like their place of work or their home.
These are avoiding, which is a natural trauma response to narcissistic abuse.
If you experience the avoiding symptom, you may not look at the place you live in the same way. Avoiding is a symptom that needs to be overcome for life to get back to normal, but it can be tricky to do so in reality.
What Are the Stages of a Narcissistic Abuse Cycle?
Now that you know about the symptoms, what about the stages of a narcissistic abuse cycle? How can you tell them apart so you can free yourself from a system you may happen to find yourself inside? It’s critical to know about the three stages as they present themselves.
Let’s dive into the three stages, as mentioned above, together. The more you know, the better equipped you will be to face each phase as it comes. Each one has distinct features that are recognizable if you know what you’re looking for in a relationship. There’s a lot to understand about each of these stages.
Idealization
The first stage of a narcissistic abuse cycle is idealization. This phase happens right at the beginning of the relationship when the love is strong, wild, and unpredictable. The feelings are all there. However, a narcissist takes everything to a new level. They treat their partner as if they are above everything else in their lives.
Idealization may involve:
- Loving you the “moment they saw you”: They may say that they knew you were “the one” right off the bat.
- Flattery: They could compliment you to an extreme level, no matter what.
- Comparing you to their ex: They might talk about how you’re so much better than their ex and how their life is much better with you.
- Overprotection: They might be wildly protective, even in the smallest situations.
This stage is considered the grooming phase of the relationship.
All of these things might feel great at first and make you feel loved. However, as time goes on, all of these traits can feel overwhelming. Typically, this partner will have had multiple partners before you. Commonly, they may have said the same things to them. Watch out for this trap – it’s easy to cling to someone that makes you feel good.
Devaluation
Devaluation is the second stage in a narcissistic abuse cycle. At this point in a normal relationship, the general euphoria that came first has worn off. However, there is a love that can foster and grow. In a narcissistic relationship, this is when devaluing begins.
Devaluation may happen in the form of:
- Passive-aggressiveness: This act might come in the form of snarky comments, sassy remarks, or rude statements in response to your words.
- Belittling loves: They may try to make you feel bad about things you love, whether that’s your hobby or your best friend.
- Name-calling: They may taunt you or call you things that aren’t flattering.
This stage comes right before they detach from you.
For most people in a narcissistic abuse cycle, this phase is hard. The shift from idealization to devaluation can be sudden and unexpected. When it appears, the narcissist is getting ready to move on. They’re trying to convince you that you have no value or self-worth. It can hurt, but none of it is true.
Rejection
That leads us to the final stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle – rejection. At this point, the partner is rejected and pushed away, no matter what they do. They will break everything off with you to make sure they can get with the following partner as soon as possible. They want someone new to fuel their ego as much as they can.
Rejection may include:
- Break-up: They will break up with you in this phase, though it’s more of a discard than a traditional break-up.
- Threats: They could threaten you about the end of your relationship, though they have no intention of keeping it anyway.
- A new partner: There might be a new man or woman in the picture, one that comes up in conversation or comes around.
This stage is considered the grooming phase of the relationship.
At this point, the narcissist has realized that you don’t see them the same way you once did, and they will seek out a new partner that will make them feel like they are in control. Unfortunately, after this phase, many broken ex-partners of narcissists find themselves in the same thing again. Thus the narcissistic abuse cycle continues over and over again.
How Do You Break a Narcissistic Abuse Cycle?
If you find yourself stuck in a narcissistic abuse cycle, you must know how to break it. Otherwise, you could find yourself dealing with the same people, again and again, damaging your mental state and preventing relationships from forming. But, how are you supposed to break a narcissistic abuse cycle?
There are a few things you can do to break a narcissistic abuse cycle:
- No contact: Do not contact your ex, even if they seek all measures to talk to you again.
- Know your worth: You need to understand your worth. You deserve the world.
- Grieve appropriately: Just because you had a bad relationship doesn’t mean you can’t grieve. Let yourself be sad, then move on with your life.
- Forgive: Forgive them in your head, forgive yourself, and move on. It’s vital to let go.
These should help you let go of what you once had.
Of course, these actions aren’t foolproof. You have to stand tall amid this action to keep your future wide-open and bright. The narcissist may try to push you back into a relationship, spurring the cycle all over again. Remember who you are and stay away from them.
To Conclude
Now that we’ve gone over the three stages of the narcissistic abuse cycle, you are better equipped to examine your relationship and see whether or not you’re stuck. We talked about some of the symptoms of an abusive relationship and some ways to break the cycle.
Nobody deserves to be in a narcissistic abuse cycle. You deserve better. With proper knowledge, you can get out of the situation you find yourself in. Here are some tips to help recover from narcissistic abuse.
